Growing Pains

Setbacks are so normal. I’ve taken the punches, gone with the flow, overcame the obstacles… insert any colloquialism about persisting through struggle, and I’ve done it in my time as an indie author.

Mindset is key to turning these low points into growing pains, then into bigger gains. For me, the toughest part of maintaining a healthy and productive mindset is prioritizing effort over outcome. It’s so, so easy to let the outcomes—both the good and bad—influence my work flow.

That is such a slippery, slippery slope, for many reasons.

My efforts—how many hours I write, how many ads I fund, how many promos I take part in—are completely under my control. When I recognize ways I can improve, I can actually implement those changes as I see fit. Of course, consistency is part of the effort-conversation, but that’s a separate issue.

My outcomes—how many sales I get, how many reviews I rack up, how many fans write me back—are important metrics I get to read after the fact. These outcomes absolutely inform my business practices, because they should, but there has to be a balance between recognizing improvements I can make and internalizing criticism I infer.

For a lot of indie authors, a lack of sales, low review numbers, and small fan engagement show a disconnect between marketing efforts and the target audience. I know that. The thing is, the longer I stare at those fewer, lower, and smaller numbers, the easier it is to forget the facts and focus on the feelings. And once I’ve forgotten the facts, it’s the easiest to see those numbers and feel like my stories are not worthy.

So. The days leading up to the decision to delay Moon Song were bumpy, full of logical highs and emotional lows. Choosing to rewrite so much mere weeks before release day always stresses me out, but I always do it, because it always ends up making the story better.

The truth is, delaying a preorder is a small blow with big woe. The damage done sucked—I don’t like disappointing the people who already bought the preorder. But it is still a small blow. The damage I would have done putting out the wrong ending to this series would have been so, so much worse. I would have disappointed all my readers, and myself.

Delaying sucked, but delivering as it was would have been heartbreaking. That’s why I made the decision to delay. I know this to be true. I KNOW THIS.

But I felt differently. I was expecting the wave of disappointment that crested overhead the day I delayed Moon Song‘s release. I was not prepared for the several days I spent in the dumps afterward.

Failure comes in all different flavors. I’ve stuck through so many setbacks before in my author journey that a part of me knew I just needed time, support, and sleep, then I’d be back to business. So I gave myself a couple days. I sought out my loved ones. I let myself rest.

But I needed almost a week before I could focus past my feelings. I needed comfort and validation over and over and over again, day after day. I took naps. The people closest to me know that I never nap. I’m a very cranky Ginger when my sleep cycle gets thrown off with midday snoozes. But I needed to doze last week.

I’d not tasted that kind of failure before. In hindsight, I’ve realized why.

When my mindset slips, I usually get stuck in my head, believing my stories aren’t good enough. This time, I felt that I wasn’t enough. Not even “good” enough; I just wasn’t enough. At all. Not for my ambitions, my plans, and especially, not for my story.

As I said, many days, much love, and more sleep than I ever need helped me through. Setbacks are normal, remember? I promise I’m doing much better now.

But now I know I have to guard my mindset even more ferociously than before. This failure-flavor came up once; I’m sure I’ll taste it again.

Next time, though, I refuse to stand in my own way. I know the effort will be worth it, because I am.